Impatient? Why and How to Practice Patience

Turning Straw Into Gold

Life through a Buddhist lens

by Toni Bernhard, J.D.

Toni Bernhard, J.D.

Until forced to retire due to illness, I was a law professor for 22 years at the University of California — Davis, serving six years as the law school’s dean of students. I had a longstanding Buddhist practice and co-led a weekly meditation group with my husband.

Faced with learning to live a new life, I wrote How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and their Caregivers. The book is Buddhist-inspired but is non-parochial. The tools and practices in it are intended to help everyone.How to Be Sick has won two 2011 Nautilus Book Awards: A Gold Medal in Self-Help/Psychology and a Silver Medal in Memoir. It was also named one of the best books of 2010 by Spirituality and Practice.

My new book, How to Wake Up: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide to Navigating Joy and Sorrow, is available for pre-order and will be published September 1st. It offers my understanding of the Buddha’s path to peace—a peace and well-being that aren't dependent on whether a particular experience is joyful or sorrowful. Like How to Be Sick, it's a practical book. It includes dozens of exercises and practices, all of which are illustrated with stories from my experience as a Buddhist practitioner for over 20 years.

I live in Davis, California with my husband, also named Tony, and our hound dog, Rusty. I can be found online at www.tonibernhard.com

Impatient? Why and How to Practice Patience

Being patient is an act of self-compassion and gives rise to equanimity.

Published on May 20, 2013 by Toni Bernhard, J.D. in Turning Straw Into Gold

What is patience? I like to start with the dictionary. Patience:the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, difficulty, or annoyance without getting angry or upset. Upon reading this definition, one might well ask: "Am I sure I’ll encounter delay, difficulty, or annoyance in this life?" The answer is more than obvious (if something can be more than obvious). I don’t know anyone whose life is free of these three. In fact, I can’t recall a single day in my own life when at least one of them didn't make an appearance.
For many years, my reaction to the presence of any one of the three was to get “angry”—or at least “upset.” Then I realized that this response served only to make an already unpleasant situation worse. So I began making a conscious effort to respond to “delay, difficulty, or annoyance” differently. Sometimes the best I could do was “tolerate” their presence. But I kept at it and, with practice, I became better able to “accept” them open-heartedly as an inevitable part of life.

When I could do this—tolerate and sometimes even accept delay, difficulty, or annoyance—I noticed two things. First, being patient was a way of treating myself with compassion. Compassion is the act of reaching out to those who are suffering—including ourselves. I definitely suffer when I’m impatient, because lack of patience is a stress response to whatever is going on in my life. I can feel the stress in both my mind and my body. And so, cultivating patience is a way of taking care of myself, which is the essence of self-compassion.

Second, I noticed that being patient gave rise to a feeling of equanimity—a calmness of mind that makes it easier to ride life’s ups and downs without being tossed about like a boat in a storm. Seeing the correlation between patience and enhanced self-compassion and equanimity convinced me of the value of this practice. I thought, “Hmm. Less suffering and stress, coupled with more calm acceptance of life as it is…sounds good.” Here’s how I recommend that you undertake the practice of patience.

1. Recognize that impatience has arisen.
This may not be easy at first. When things aren't going our way (for example, we’re stuck in traffic), we tend to think that the cause of our impatience is external to us—what’s going out “out there.” But, of course, the cause is what’s going on in our own minds—that is, our response to whatever circumstances we’re facing. So start by setting the intention to watch for impatience arising in your own mind as a response to not getting what you want right away.
You may know some of your triggers already: being put on hold for a long time; getting stuck in a long line; struggling to figure out a computer problem; facing an extended wait at the doctor’s office; having to listen to someone take what seems to be an interminably long time to explain something simple (this last one being a trait of mine that tests my own family’s patience!).

Notice how impatience arises when we’re not getting our way—specifically when people or our environment aren’t conforming to our expectations, even in circumstances over which we have no control (for example, the flow of traffic or the length of a line). Our expectations are often out of synch with reality. I can think of four ways in which this is true, and all four can be triggers for impatience.

First, we tend to expect the environment to conform to our expectations: no traffic jams; no absence of parking spaces near our destination; no long lines; no airport delays; no waiting too long for food to arrive at a restaurant.
Second, we tend to expect people to conform to our expectations. They ought to behave the way we think they should behave. “That woman ahead of me in the check-out line should not be making small talk with the cashier.” “If he said he’d phone at 3:00, he should phone at 3:00.” Even if we’re “right” (it is polite, after all, to call at the time you say you will), the fact remains that people often don’t live up to our expectations.

Third, our expectations are often unrealistic when it comes to mastering new skills, whether it’s taking up a new craft or figuring out a new computer application or learning a new do-it-yourself fix-it skill. We think we should be able to master new skills quickly, no matter how foreign or difficult they are to us.

Fourth, our expectations are almost always unrealistic when it comes to what goes on in our minds. We think we should be able to control what thoughts and what emotions arise. But unwelcome thoughts and emotions pop up all the time. It’s the nature of the mind to think and to emote; in my experience, there’s no stopping it. Certainly being impatient doesn’t put a stop to it!
Think about these four categories of expectations and see if you can pinpoint which ones you tend to be unrealistic about in your own life. This alone can help you recognize when you’re responding with impatience.
2. Investigate how impatience feels in your mind and in your body.
Allowing yourself to really feel the impatience is a major step toward accepting its presence. This is important because, in my experience, I can’t begin to transform a stressful mental state until I accept that I’m caught up in it. So, work on becoming well-acquainted with how impatience feels. Is your mind calm or agitated? Is your body relaxed or tensed? I have yet to experience impatience as pleasant in either my mind or my body. And the realization that it feels unpleasant helps motivate me to try and change the way I respond when I’m faced with “delay, difficulty, or annoyance”—our three friends from the dictionary definition.
3. Begin to transform impatience into patience.

This takes practice—patient practice. And because patience is an act of self-compassion, I hope you’ll treat yourself with compassion over your inability to be patient at times. That said, here are some strategies to help transform impatience into patience.

Let’s start with those times when the environment or people aren’t conforming to your expectations: for example, you’re stuck in a traffic jam or you find yourself behind that person in the check-out line who’s chatting with the cashier. First, notice that you’re responding with impatience. Second, pay attention to how it feels in your mind and in your body. Then ask yourself: “Is there anything I can do to change the situation without making matters worse for myself or others?” If the answer is “no” (which it almost always will be), then see if you can find what I’ll call “the good” in the situation. By this I mean, begin to focus on something pleasant or interesting while you’re waiting.
This is a mindfulness practice, meaning you’re making a conscious choice—backed up by effort—to pay attention to everything that’s going on in your field of awareness. When I feel impatience arise, I can almost always find something in my present moment experience that arouses my curiosity or interest. This allows me to respond, not in “anger” or “upset” to what’s going on, but instead, with patience.

In a traffic jam, it might be checking out the different makes and models and ages of the cars on the road; it might be beginning to chat with another person in the car; it might be finding a radio station to listen to. If I’m in that check-out line, it might be noticing with amusement the ridiculous headlines on those sensationalistic mags that sit in racks at the cashier stand; it might be looking at the people around me—how everyone looks different and has a whole life story of their own that I know nothing about; it might even be eavesdropping on the content of the chatter that’s holding me up!

In fact, I try to cultivate friendliness toward those chatterers—to enjoy how they’re enjoying each other’s company. After all, what’s another minute or two in line? If, like me, you have trouble standing for long, you can look for something to lean on or take a wide stance with your legs so you’re better balanced. Sometimes I bring a cane.
My point is that, yes, our first choice may be to institute a “no traffic jam on the freeway” rule and a “no chatting at the check-out counter” directive, but most of the time in life, we don’t get our first choice. When this happens, if the alternatives are to get upset and angry verses finding a way to make the experience enjoyable, or at least tolerable, I know which one feels better to me.
Then we have those unrealistic expectations about mastering new skills. That expectation partially stems from our cultural conditioning to hurry hurry hurry no matter what we’re doing. Yet, if we were to proceed more slowly and patiently, not only would we enjoy ourselves more, but we’re likely to do a better job of mastering the skill in question.

Finally, about those unrealistic expectations that we should be able to control our minds. Instead of getting impatient (“upset“ or “angry”) about what arises in our minds, can we work on holding unwelcome thoughts and emotions more lightly—even sometimes with humor over the mind’s unruliness? Doing this is a compassionate response to what arises in the mind. In my new book, How to Wake Up, I quote a passage from one of the first Buddhist books I ever read, Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Gunaratana. He said this about the mind:

[Sometime] you will come face to face with the sudden and shocking realization that you are completely crazy. Your mind is a shrieking, gibbering madhouse on wheels barreling pell-mell down the hill, utterly out of control and hopeless. No problem.

I love this quotation for two reasons. First, I find it reassuring to know that I’m not alone in having a shrieking, gibbering, madhouse on wheels for a mind. Second, Bhante says, “No problem.” I take “no problem” to mean that I can learn to be patient with this “crazy” mind. I can learn not to get upset and angry when unwelcome thoughts and emotions arise, but instead, to calmly accept their presence, knowing that with time the universal law of impermanence will help me out. Conditions will change…and so will my mind.
We can transform impatience into patience. It’s well-worth the effort because being patient is a way of treating ourselves with compassion and it also helps us calmly accept things as they are…and that always feels good.
© 2013 Toni Bernhard www.tonibernhard.com

source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/turning-straw-gold/201305/impatient-why-and-how-practice-patience

When Being Giving Doesn't Give You What You Need

Intense Emotions and Strong Feelings

A Language Everyone Should Understand

by Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D.

Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D.

Dr. Mary Lamia is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst who works with adults, couples, adolescents, and preteens in her Marin County private practice. She is a professor at the Wright Institute in Berkeley, California. Extending psychological knowledge to the public has been her endeavor for thirty years. Dr. Lamia's opinion has been sought in hundreds of television, radio, and print media interviews and discussions, and for nearly a decade she hosted a weekly call-in talk show, KidTalk with Dr. Mary, on Radio Disney stations. Her books include: Emotions! Making Sense of Your Feelings; Understanding Myself: A Kid's Guide to Intense Emotions and Strong Feelings: and, The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself From Your Need to Rescue Others.

When Being Giving Doesn't Give You What You Need

Being a giving person is enjoyable, but not always.

Published on May 18, 2013 by Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D. in Intense Emotions and Strong Feelings

As a giving person you may take into account the needs of another person—a partner, child, co-worker, or even a stranger—equal to, or greater than, your own. You may extend yourself in terms of time, gifts, emotional support, or the desires and needs that you perceive in someone else: giving, so to speak, out of the goodness of your heart. Although you do not expect anything in return, you may find repeatedly that you simply don’t receive anything close to what you give and you may wonder why it is that others in your network of relationships don’t seem to have an inclination similar to your own. What motivates giving behavior? Is it ultimately out of our own self-interest that we give, or might there be another possibility?
Love, compassion, and caring can motivate giving. However, selfless giving can be detrimental, the extreme illustrated by Oscar Wilde’s (1888) poignant fable, The Nightingale and the Rose. In this story, a student falls in love with a girl who claims that she will dance with him if he will bring her a red rose. He cannot find a red rose in the garden, but a little nightingale hears his lament and is compelled to provide what he needs. Singing all night to a rose tree that had been chilled by the winter frost, she presses her heart against one of its thorns, spilling warm blood over its cold branches to create a red rose.  In the morning, the student discovers the rose and takes it to the girl he loves. But she is unimpressed, since she prefers the jewels given to her by another man. The rejected student tosses the rose into the street where it is run over by a carriage. He rationalizes his loss and returns to his studies. Meanwhile, beneath the rose tree, the selfless little nightingale is dead.

Naturally, the role of giving within a relationship is complex, and the motivations behind giving are often disguised. Social scientists have debated the issue of whether or not altruistic behavior, such as giving or doing something for another in need, is ever truly unselfish or if it is unconsciously egoistic; that is, self-serving, as my co-author and I discuss in our book, The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself From Your Need to Rescue Others (2009). An egoistic motivation might be the wish to avoid the pain of watching someone else suffer, to feel good about oneself, to avoid guilt resulting from inaction, to establish oneself as dominant, a response to childhood trauma, or to vicariously have one’s own needs met.  The early psychoanalytic view of altruism posited that altruistic behavior contained a powerful but unconscious element of self-interest, and represented internal conflicts (A. Freud, 1936). Surrendering one’s needs, according to the theory, actually led to the vicarious fulfillment through identification with the person being helped. However, some contemporary researchers maintain that altruistic acts do not necessarily contain self-serving or egoistic motives. C. Daniel Batson (1991), for example, conducted research demonstrating that altruistic acts can exist with minimal to no egoistic motivations.
Empathy plays a significant role in behavior that is giving. Although the concept of empathy is generally defined as experiencing the feelings of someone else, various theorists and researchers emphasize different aspects, including the notion of thinking and feeling oneself into the inner life of another person (Kohut, 1984), an affective response that pertains more to another’s situation than one’s own (Hoffman, 2000), or a vicarious affective response based on the awareness of another’s emotional state (Eisenberg, Miller, Schaller, Fabes, Fultz, & Shell, 1989). Across all definitions is the notion that you can “feel” the emotional state of someone else. Although you may empathize with someone and understand how he feels, you may not necessarily be giving in response. For some people, feeling another person’s emotional pain is so stressful that a shame response may lead them to withdraw, use some mechanism of avoidance, or become angry with the person in pain or with themselves. Nevertheless, if you are inclined to give as a result of an empathic response to another person, the act of giving can activate the affect of enjoyment or joy and the ensuing pleasurable experience it creates.
We are primarily motivated by emotional experiences that result from triggered biological affects. Joyful and enjoyable feelings themselves will motivate you to give. Imagine a time when you were joyful; you were likely more disposed to give another person a compliment, gift, hug, or a witty comment—whatever it might have been, you were likely motivated to give.Parents of an otherwise surly adolescent comment that when their child is in a “great mood”—experiencing enjoyment, joy, or excitement—they are suddenly engaging, generous, and affectionate. If you are prone to experience joy there is an inclination to want to mutualize it, and to share it with another (Gary David, Ph.D., 2013, Personal communication). Complementary experiences where enjoyment and joy are shared often involve mutuality in terms of giving and receiving (Tomkins, 1963/2008). Unfortunately, when mutuality is absent, joy that is shared through giving may result in the activation of a negative affect and a resulting painful emotional experience.


For information about my current book, Emotions! Making Sense of Your Feelings (American Psychological Association Magination Press, August 2012), see my website: http://www.marylamia.com
References
Batson, C. D. (1991). The Altruism Question: Toward a Social-Psychological Answer. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Eisenberg, N., P. A. Miller, M. Schaller, R. A. Fabes, J. Fultz, R. Shell (1989). The role of sympathy and altruistic personality traits in helping: A reexamination. Journal of Personality 57(1):41-67.
Freud, A. (1996). The Writings of Anna Freud, Vol. II, 1936: The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defense. New York: International Universities Press.
Hoffman, M. L. (2000). Empathy and Moral Development: Implications for Caring and Justice. Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press.
Kohut, H.  (1984). How Does Analysis Cure? Chicago: The University of Chicago Press.
Lamia, M. & Krieger, M. (2009). The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself From Your Need To Rescue Others. Oakland: New Harbinger.
Nathanson, D. (1992). Shame and Pride: Affect, Sex, and the Birth of the Self. New York: Norton.
Tomkins, S.S. (1963/2008). Affect, Imagery Consciousness, 2: The Negative Affects. New York: Springer.

source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201305/when-being-giving-doesnt-give-you-what-you-need

Divorce: The Stereotyping of Men and Women

The Intelligent Divorce

And Further Unorthodox Advice on Relationships, Marriage and Parenting

by Mark Banschick, M.D.

Mark Banschick, M.D.

Mark Banschick, M.D., is a psychiatrist and child advocate. He is the author of The Intelligent Divorce book series and creator of The Online Family Stabilization Course, geared to taking care of the needs of children and parents during divorce. His work has been featured in The New York Times, The Huffington Post, and Politico, as well as on CBS News. He also has his own weekly radio show on Divorce Source Radio

Divorce: The Stereotyping of Men and Women

Getting past stereotypes in a divorce

Published on May 20, 2013 by Mark Banschick, M.D. in The Intelligent Divorce

The following is a guest blog by our esteemed colleague Rita Pollak. She is a collaborative family law attorney, and is very active in the divorce community. Rita has been a leader in combining both the legal and the emotional components of divorce. Her approach should be required reading for professionals and the lay public alike. 

                                 ________________________________________

I recently read a poem describing men as using ‘action’ words and women, using ‘feeling’ words. Men were responsible for ‘doing’ and women spent time ‘caring for…’ children, mostly.

The narrator laments the separation of ‘acting’ and ‘feeling’ into genderspecific roles.

When working with separation and divorce, I now wonder if we, as professionals, unwittingly assign such descriptors to our clients, and then reinforce those stereotypes not only by the kinds of questions we ask, but also by the way we ask them.

Do we tend to ask men first about their work and career, about money, debts and assets, their responsibilities around the house and then ask about their relationships with their children?

Couldn’t we start by asking men how they feel about the divorce, what it means to them, and keep them on that topic for a little while so they become more comfortable sharing their feelings with us. It’s probably a good idea, whether you’re a traditional attorney, collaborative attorney, mediator, coach, or even a financial professional.

Do we ask women about the children, right off the bat, then about school, activities, and other family relationships? Do we then get around to inquiring about work and career, money, assets and debts, and responsibilities around the house?

If some women seem uninformed about money matters, do we skim over that topic, or could we stay on that subject and dig deeper for what they do know? So many women have been running the household for years and don’t connect that skill with being money managers.

Can we ask a more consistent set of questions to both men and women so that they both respond to questions about money, career, future financial planning? Can we ask both women and men to talk about what getting divorced means to them and help them linger, even in some uncomfortable places?

For example, if the father were my client, I might say,

• I know there is a great deal that you want to tell me and I promise that we will get to it all. I want to know about everything that is important to you, so can you tell me, how did you get to this place in your marriage where you are now speaking with a divorce lawyer?

And as the man answers, I would try to keep him on the topic of the divorce itself, how he feels about it, and what it means to him in the context of his family situation. I might ask what he’s noticed about the reactions of each of the children.

If my client struggled, I would help by asking shorter and more pointed questions, such as,

• How was the decision to divorce made? Did you initiate it? Did your wife? Do you feel like you had an equal say in how you would proceed? Is this how other important decisions in your marriage have been made?

If the mother happens to be my client, I would begin in a very similar way, assuring her that I am very interested in the children, her relationship to them and everything about how this divorce might be affecting them, and yet, I want to know how she feels about the divorce and how it's impactingher.

I will also, rather early on in the attorney-client relationship, start asking the woman about financial matters, to assess her experience and her comfort level with money. If she minimizes her knowledge of finances, I would have a series of short, specific follow-up questions, like,

• Who pays the household bills? Do you pay them on-line? Who shops for the family’s clothing, equipment etc. Who arranges the family vacation?

Many women and men strive for a more equal sharing of work and family responsibilities. Nevertheless, in our culture, it is still very common for couples to fall into more traditional roles, with regard to ‘doing’ and ‘feeling.’

At the time of a divorce, strong feelings often arise about some men needing to learn about the fuller range of parenting and family-related activities, while some women need to step up to a more matureunderstanding of budgeting, investing, retirement planning, etc.

Can we, as part of a collaborative process, mediation or even a moretraditional representation, encourage our clients, and even ourselves, to think about integrating the feelings and the doings into the kind of sharedexperience that will benefit the children, as well as the parents?

If we are very mindful about the order and kinds of questions we pose, we may be able to interrupt the habitual thinking that contributes to continuing traditional stereotyping of roles.

We can be transparent if a client pushes back by explaining we are encouraging them, and ourselves to look at a fuller range of expression of ‘feelings,’ and ‘doing.’

The poem I read ends with the men and women creating, together, a shared vision for the future.

Despite the tumultuous nature of divorce, many parents eventually come together and cooperate in raising healthy children. If we professionals do our job, I believe that this outcome becomes more likely.

Rita S. Pollak
Partner PollakHeenan Collaborative Law Trainings
www.PollakHeenan.com
Leadership Council Center for Community Dialogue

source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201305/divorce-the-stereotyping-men-and-women

Why Should We Dance?

Meaning In Motion

Dancing with the mind in mind

by Christina Devereaux, Ph.D., BC-DMT

Christina Devereaux, Ph.D, BC-DMT

Christina Devereaux, Ph.D., LCAT, LMHC, BC-DMT, NCC, serves as Assistant Professor and Director of Clinical Training in the Dance/Movement Therapy and Counseling program at Antioch University New England where she formulated the first ever dance/movement therapy and Autism Spectrum Disorders Study Group. In addition she is an Adjunct Associate Professor at Pratt Institute in the Department of Creative Arts Therapy and is on the faculty at Inspirees, a training program for dance/movement therapy in China. She has also served on the Adjunct Faculty at Drexel University, as a Thesis Chair at Naropa University, taught modern dance courses at University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and has guest lectured at New York University.
Christina received her Doctorate in Clinical Psychology with a specialty in Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology from The Santa Barbara Graduate Institute and her Master’s Degree in Dance/movement therapy from University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA). She has extensive clinical experience with a variety of populations including children with severe emotional disturbance, autism spectrum disorders, physical disabilities, victims of abuse and neglect, families in crisis, adults with mental illness and dual diagnosis, and supporting healthy attachment for mother/infant dyads.
Christina is currently the Co-Editor of the American Journal of Dance Therapy, and a Past President of the Southern California Chapter of the ADTA. She served as Spokesperson for the American Dance Therapy association (ADTA), on the Board of Directors, and on various committees including the Executive Committee, Past Public Relations Committee Chairperson, Past DTR Subcommittee Chairperson, past newsletter editor, and member of the Standards and Ethics Committee. In 2008, she was the recipient of the President's Award from the American Dance Therapy Association for her outstanding contributions to the profession. Christina has presented nationally and internationally on topics such as the dance of attachment relationships, dance/movement therapy with autism, trauma and the body, and clinical writing. Christina has published articles in the American Journal of Dance Therapy and the Journal of Dance Education and contributed a book chapter about dance/movement therapy in Play Based Interventions with Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum Disorders.

Why Should We Dance?

Examining the power of body expression

Published on May 16, 2013 by Christina Devereaux, Ph.D, BC-DMT in Meaning In Motion

In the aftermath of a tragedy such as what occurred just one month ago on April 15, 2013 during the 117^th annual Boston Marathon, for most of us, our body was left vibrating, questioning, confused, dysregulated, and perhaps disoriented.  It is important to acknowledge that even those of us who were not direct victims or physically present at the event, collectively, were still affected.  Our bodies take in these experiences and respond to such events.  Trauma exists in many forms.
According to the National Center for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder “a traumatic event is something life-threatening or very scary that you see or that happens to you…. Trauma also includes witnessing someone being killed or injured.“  Media broadcasts showing film footage over and over of traumatic events such as the Boston Marathon bombing are not only mental images but they become body memories that for some, can be extremely difficult to process and make sense of.
Traumatic events can threaten our sense of environmental and bodily safety. These experiences need to be processed through the body. Research advances have emphasized the importance of including the body in treatment of any type of trauma. According to dance/movement therapist Claire Moore, ‘‘the sensations and actions that have become stuck in and after a traumatic event need to be integrated in the treatment process, so that the person can regain a sense of familiarity and efficacy in the body.”
This knowledge broadens the options for how people can receive support in order to move forward from common patterns of immobilization that often is experienced by victims of or witnesses to traumatic events.   This means, rather than turning inward or self-soothing via means that disengage ourselves from our bodies (drinking, drugs, excessive binging, zoning out in front of the TV), our body can be an expressive vehicle utilized as an active resource to processing feelings.
Studies have shown that dance, in particular, can decrease anxiety and boost mood more than other physical outlets. Researchers Leste and Rust (1990/1984) assigned patients with anxiety disorders to spend time in one of four settings: a modern-dance class, an exercise class, a music class, or a math class.  Only the dance class significantly reduced anxiety.

So why dance in particular?  Why should you dance?  Why would dance be a vehicle to cope with daily stressors or even horrific tragedies such as the Boston Marathon explosions, or the Newtown School shootings? Perhaps this is based on the specific distinction that dance in itself is innately an expressive art form, not just a physical release of body tension alone.
Today, media shows, such as Dancing with the Stars and So you think you can Dance, hint to this mind-body emotional connection that is inherent in the expressive power of movement.
Dance/movement therapists have long known the expressive nature of dance dating back to the effects of posttraumatic stress victims from World War II.  Dance/movement therapy pioneer, Marian Chace, discovered back in the 1940s that her patients suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder were able to use dance therapy as a form of communication that assisted in the decrease of tension held in the body and minimized isolation.  Dance/movement therapy, according to the American Dance Therapy Association, is based on the core belief that there is a fundamental interconnection between mind and body and what happens to the body can effectively influence the mind and vice versa. Dance/movement therapists are trained clinicians specializing in the interconnection between mind and body.  The core premise lies within the therapeutic relationship where movement is the primary mode of connection, assessment and intervention.
In a Korean study at Wonkwang University with adolescents engaging in dance/movement therapy for 12 weeks, results suggested that participation in dance/movement therapy may stabilize the sympathetic nervous system and improve psychological distress in adolescents with depression.
So according to you, why do you dance?  How does dance move you?

To learn more about dance/movement therapy and how it is used as a supportive resource for distressing feelings or for overall wellbeing and emotional health visit the American Dance Therapy Association.

References
Jeong, Y., Hong, S., Lee, M. S., Park, M. (2005). Dance/movement therapy improves emotional responses and modulates neurohormones in adolescents with mid depression. International Journal of Neuroscience, 115, 1711-1720.
Leste, A., & Rust, J. (1990).  Effects of dance on anxiety.  American Journal of Dance Therapy, 12(1), 19-25.
Leste, A. & Rust, J. (1984). Effects of dance on anxiety. Perceptual Motor Skills, 58(3), 767-772.
Moore, C. (2006). Dance/movement therapy in the light of trauma: Research findings of a multidisciplinary project. In S. C. Koch & I. Bra¨uninger (Eds.), Advances in Dance/movement therapy: Theoretical perspectives and empirical findings (pp. 104–115). Berlin: Logos Verlag.

source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meaning-in-motion/201305/why-should-we-dance

A Surprising Way to Figure Out What Someone Really Thinks

The Happiness Project

A chronicle of my attempts to test-drive every tip, principle and scientific study that promotes happiness

by Gretchen Rubin

Gretchen Rubin

Gretchen Rubin is the author of The Happiness Project, an account of the year she spent test-driving every conceivable principle about how to be happy, from Aristotle to Ben Franklin to Oprah to Martin Seligman. On her popular blog, The Happiness Project, she reports on her daily adventures on her way to becoming happier.

A Surprising Way to Figure Out What Someone Really Thinks

And I looked it up–so interesting!

Published on May 14, 2013 by Gretchen Rubin in The Happiness Project

Over the weekend, I was trying to remember something I’d read in Tyler Cowen’s book, Discover Your Inner Economist: Using Incentives to Fall in Love, Survive Your Next Meeting, and Motivate Your Dentist.
And I looked it up–so interesting!
Sometimes when we ask a question, we know that people might be reluctant to give a true opinion. Maybe they’re worried about angering someone else, or appearing unsophisticated, or admitting what they actually think or do.
Tyler Cowen made an observation that I think is absolutely fascinating, and one that provides a possible solution to this non-disclosure problem. He writes:

To get a person’s real opinion, ask what she thinks everyone else believes…If people truly hold a particular belief, they are more likely to think that others agree or have had similar experiences. For instance, if a man has had more than thirty sexual partners, he will more likely think that such behavior is common. After all, his life is one ‘data point,’ and that data point presumably weighs heavily in his mind…Furthermore the man with more than thirty partners probably knows a higher percentage of other people with thirty partners or more. This will further encourage him to make a high estimate of how many partners other people have had…
[People] tend to assume that other people have had life histories at least somewhat similar to their own. When we talk about other people, we are often talking about ourselves, whether we know it ourselves.

 So imagine that you’re considering sending your children to a particular school. Asking your friend, “What complaints do parents have about the school?” instead of asking, “How do you like the school?” might elicit a better answer.
Or maybe you’re considering going to a particular doctor. A person might not want personally to express criticism, but if you said, “How do most patients feel about that doctor’s office?” you might hear more.
This sounds surprising, but imagine how you would answer questions such as, “Do you think most people get along well with their in-laws?” “Do you think most people cheat on their taxes?” “Do you think most people love music?” “Do you think most people go to sleep after midnight?” Isn't your inclination to respond with an answer that’s true for you? And yet the answer doesn't feel like self-disclosure!

source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-happiness-project/201305/surprising-way-figure-out-what-someone-really-thinks

How to Keep Your Fears From Holding You Back

Think Well

Act well, feel well, be well

by The Lazarus Institute

Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D.

Clifford N. Lazarus is a licensed psychologist and Clinical Director of The Lazarus Institute. In addition to his general psychotherapy practice, Clifford Lazarus specializes in health and neuropsychology.
Clifford Lazarus received his B.A., M.S., and Ph.D. in psychology from Rutgers University where he was a Henry Rutgers Research Scholar. From 1989 to 1994 he was the Associate Director of Princeton Biomedical Research, P.A., a facility dedicated to evaluating new generation psychiatric medications for pharmaceutical companies and the Food and Drug Administration.
Clifford Lazarus consults on matters of health psychology, evidence-based psychological treatment, and integrating medical and psychological treatments. In addition to his professional publications, he has authored the popular books Don’t Believe It For A Minute: Forty Toxic Ideas That Are Driving You Crazy; and The 60-Second Shrink: 101 Strategies For Staying Sane In a Crazy World.
Clifford Lazarus has been honored by the Prescribing Psychologists’ Register for his contributions to the efforts of training in psycho-pharmacology for psychologists. In addition to his clinical and consultation work, from 1993 to 1998 Clifford Lazarus co-hosted a weekly, listener-call-in radio program "Mental Health Matters."

How to Keep Your Fears From Holding You Back

How to beat the fears that keep you from having a fuller and more confident life

Published on May 23, 2013 by Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D. in Think Well

Most people have fears and anxieties.  Often they are adaptive and rational emotional responses.  But in many cases, fears and anxieties are not adaptive or rational.  They do nothing but create huge and unnecessary barriers that block us from moving forward in life or simply from feeling better about ourselves.
Both fear and anxiety produce similar reactions to certain dangers, but there are important differences between the two.
Fear is an emotional response to a known or definite threat.
For example, if while hiking in the woods you encounter a bear, you’ll likely have a strong fear reaction.  Hence, muscle tension, increased heart rate, and rapid breathing are a few of the physiological symptoms associated with a response to danger. These bodily changes occur due to the inborn fight-or-flight stress response that is necessary for survival.  Without this stress response, our mind would not prepare our body to stay and do battle (to try to be the diner) or flee as fast as possible (to try not to be the dinner).

Unlike fear, anxiety is not the result of a known or specific threat.  Rather, it comes from our mind’s anticipation or expectation of dangers that may occur in a given situation.  So, if while hiking in the woods you feel very nervous that something dangerous or bad might happen because you’re imagining encountering a bear, a snake, or a landslide; you’re not afraid, you’re anxious.
As suggested above, regardless of whether they’re real dangers or imagined threats, for a great number of people fears and anxiety significantly impact their lives and, in some cases, dramatically limit them.  According to the most recent NIMH data, “Approximately 40 million American adults ages 18 and older, or almost 20 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have an anxiety disorder.”
So, what’s the antidote for irrational fear and anxiety?  In a word: “Exposure.”  As I have posted previously on depression (“Why you can’t just think your way out of depression”), similarly, it’s almost impossible to talk someone (or yourself) out of anxiety.  To escape its unpleasant grip, you must walk yourself out of it.  That is, to conquer fear and anxiety they must be faced and confronted, not avoided.  After all, how can someone ever hope to get over a fear of the dark by constantly staying in the light?
While it is of limited help to simply focus on the exaggerated, unrealistic, or irrational thoughts that drive anxiety and avoidance, this isn’t to say that cognitions (the C in CBT) are unimportant.  Indeed, one way to help people take the essential action and courageous behavior (the B in CBT) necessary to beat anxiety is to point out the three common cognitive errors that anxious people often make.
First, anxious people often confuse low possibly calamities (i.e., very unlikely, bad events) with high probability occurrences (i.e., very likely events).  So, instead of recognizing and deeply believing that accidentally driving off a bridge is extremely unlikely, a bridge phobic will deeply feel it could probably happen.  In other words, anxious people often mistake the possible for the probable and thereby greatly overestimate the odds of something bad happening.
The second cognitive mistake common in anxiety is to grossly overestimate the actual impact of bad events.  In other words, anxious people usually believe that if something bad happens, it will produce a dramatic or even devastating consequence that might be too much to handle.  So, a driving phobic often feels that if he or she has a collision, it will result in life-changing or even fatal consequences rather than recognizing that the vast majority of MVAs are mere fender-benders that rarely cause serious injuries.
Thus, anxious people greatly overestimate the chances of a dreaded event happening and also the seriousness of the consequences of the bad event if it actually happens.
Another common misperception that anxious people have is to underestimate their coping resources and their ability to manage life’s many challenges.  Once people recognize the many supports and wherewithal they can rely on (e.g., personal fortitude, family, friends, neighbors, professionals, clergy, etc.), they often feel a little better.    
Hence, when people learn the true facts, accurate statistics, and real odds of specific, dreaded occurrences, and they become more aware of their coping resources, they usually find it easier to start taking the concrete, action steps necessary to beat anxiety.  Specifically, ones that emphasize approaching and gradually facing the anxiety-provoking situations that have been holding them back.  Only by realizing that their fear barriers are insubstantial – mere tricks of the mind like mirages are tricks of the senses; seemingly real but not grounded in reality – can people push through them. And, thereby, move forward in life with more confidence and less fear.
 Remember:  Think well, act well, feel well, be well!
 Copyright by Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D.

source:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/think-well/201305/how-keep-your-fears-holding-you-back

How to Express Feelings... and How Not to

Resolution, Not Conflict

The guide to problem-solving.

by Susan Heitler, Ph.D.

Susan Heitler, Ph.D.

Susan Heitler, Ph.D., a graduate of Harvard with a clinical psychology doctorate from NYU, has authored the books From Conflict to Resolution and The Power of Two. Her current pet project is a website, PowerOfTwoMarriage.com, that teaches the skills for sustaining strong and loving relationships.

How to Express Feelings... and How Not to

Five guidelines for safe sharing and five reasons to avoid “You make me feel…"

Published on May 23, 2013 by Susan Heitler, Ph.D. in Resolution, Not Conflict

Knowing how to express feelings is vital if you want to feel close to people and experience intimacy in your relationships. Sharing feelings enables you to talk through the situation causing the feelings so you and others involved in the situation can figure out what to do about it. Learning how to express feelings therefore is an especially essential skill to develop if you would like to be able to fix marriage problems.
Sharing feelings usually begins with two simple words: “I feel….”. Fill in the blank then with a single feeling word such as confused, delighted, or exhausted.
If you’re having trouble identifying the feeling, you can do multiple choice. Try picking one from these four basics: mad, sad, glad, or scared.

What is the most common mistake people make when they try to share their feelings?
Too often, instead of  saying “I feel…, ” people start out with the mistaken phrase “You make me feel…”
“You make me feel …!” is one of the phrases that, as a marriagetherapist, I cringe when I hear.  Alas, I hear it often.  Distressed couples ususally lack the skills for sustaining a smoothly positive relationship.
“You make me feel…” almost always invites hurt feelings and arguments.
Here’s four reasons why the phrase consistently gets a discussion of feelings off to a bad start.  I hope that understanding it with more clarity will encourage you to delete the phrase from your vocabulary.
Reason #1: “You make me feel…” is an accusation, a statement of blame, not a statement of your feelings.
Statements of feelings, and especially of vulnerable feelings like sad, confused, or anxious, invite empathy from most listeners.   Accusations, by contrast, are off-putting, inviting defensiveness and antagonism. 
Compare the following pairs of phrases.  Which would you prefer to hear?
Cluster A:“ “I feel uncomfortable.”  “I feel sad.”  “I feel stupid.”              
Cluster B:  “You make me feel uncomfortable.” “You make me sad.”  “You make me feel stupid."                                
Reason #2: “You make me feel…” is disempowering.
You make me feel frustrated” puts the responsibility for your feelings on your listener.  The outcome is that power to fix your negative feelings goes to the person you have blamed. If the person you have accused nevertheless wants to respond with helpfulness, hooray.  That could be great.  But if not, which is the more likely outcome, you are probably going to be left feeling powerless with regard to how to feel better.
By contrast, “I feel frustrated” conveys that you are describing your own experience, which launches the possibility of gaining empowerment through insight and thereby a vision of what to do to feel better. Maybe your frustration is the result of being tired, hungry or overloaded.  Maybe the frustration comes from a challenging situation that needs careful thinking to figure out how to remedy it.  
Stating your feelings by starting with the pronoun I and the phrase I feel …  is empowering because it opens the door to exploring the dilemma and finding solutions.
Reason #3: “You make me feel…” invites counter-accusations.
The phrase is provocative.  It not only closes the door to empathic listening.  It simultaneously opens a passageway to hostile responses and escalating argument.  Here’s an example:
Linda:  You make me feel unattractive.  You hardly ever compliment me.
Len:     Well that’s because you make me feel like a terrible husband…. [and they’re off down the road of fighting.]
When Len hears Linda’s “You make me feel” he tunes in to the accusation and tunes out from listening to her concerns.
By contrast, when Gina and Gerald face the same situation with a different sentence starter, I feel…, the dialogue turns out to be quite productive.
Gina:  I feel unattractive.  When you hardly ever compliment me, I think I must not look good to you.
Gerald:  I’m so sorry.  I always like how you look.  I think I take your good looks for granted. I think too that I just don’t pay much attention to clothes and hair and that kind of thing.  Also, I’ve been so preoccupied with work I haven’t noticed much else.
Gina: Yes, and I think when you get preoccupied like that I get feeling insecure and begin to worry that maybe you’re not attracted to me any more.  I’m so glad we are talking about this.  I feel better already, just understanding more what’s going on with me, and also thinking about how come I’ve suddenly had this upsurge of wanting compliments.
Gina meets with success by expressing her feelings directly, starting with the essential pronoun I  and the feelings statement I feel… 
Reason #4: “You make me feel” is based on a misunderstanding about what triggers feelings.
One person generally does not alone make another feel anything.  What matters is the combination of what one person says or does with what another thinks about the words or actions.
For instance, if you try to make me laugh, I may respond with amusement, but I may also respond with scorn.
Similarly, if you try to “make me feel guilty,” I may instead respond by regarding you as manipulative.  In that case your attempt to induce guilt to get me to do what you want will backfire.  I will regard you as unattractive and experience a decrease in desire to be responsive to your concerns.  That is, a listener’s response comes as much from factors within the listener as from the person that said or did something.
Here’s another example.  Gina, feeling agitated, might say to Gerald, “Please, keep your magazines on the shelf.  The living room looks such a mess!  They’re all over the floor.”
How will Gerald respond?.  The happy reality is that even if Gerald may not love it when his wife gets agitated and makes requests for neatness, he can react to her in a number of ways.

• He might snap back, “You make me so annoyed.  Stop criticizing me and telling me what to do!”  That response would imply that annoyance is the only response he could feel when hearing Gina’s complaint.
• He might calmly defend himself, “It isn’t so bad.  We live here.  The living room is for living in, not just a showcase.”
• He might chuckle comfortably, “You’re right, it is a mess.  I’d rather work here another hour or so though, leaving the clutter, and then pick up just before I go to bed.  Is that OK for you?”
• Or he might ask with concern, “Gina, is something bothering you?  Last time you got annoyed by my chaos was when you were bummed about your work.  I often make a mess like this and usually you just tease me about it.”

Gerald’s emotional reaction is shaped by Gina’s comment and tone of voice and also by the meanings he attributes to her words and tone.  Those meanings come from Gerald as much as from Gina.  Gerald might respond with an automatic defensive “kid in trouble” reaction.  If he is sufficiently self-confident, he might be able to retain his own reading of himself in the face of Gina’s more critical reading, in which case he might view her irritability with compassion.  Self-confidence can also enable him to chuckle at his foible.  A sense of humor can provide him with resiliencethat absorbs provocation and turns it into bemusement or empathy.
In sum, one person doesn’t make another feel bad, or good.  One can intend to make the other feel something, good or bad.  Still, the other’s reaction has as much to do with him or her as with what the first person has done.  What you say and do may trigger an initial gut reaction, especially if you are explicitly hostile, and yet your partner can think about the reaction and can choose from there, and vice versa.
Reason #5: “You make me feel…” hides the reality that the larger choices you make matter as much or more than what your partner does in determining how you feel.  
Prolonged exposure to joy tends to beget joy, and negativity tends eventually to have a negative emotional impact.  For instance, if you spend extended time with someone who radiates genuine joie de vivre, you would have to be profoundly angry, anxious, or depressed not to find the enthusiasm contagious.  Similarly, if you are exposed at length to someone who relentlessly criticizes you, you are likely to find that you can only keep your morale up for so long.  If you live with a partner who is often negative or hurtful, minimizing the time you spend together and finding upbeat others to be with for rejuvenation is essential.
So back to the question of how to express feelings. Here's 5 guides to success.

1. Pause to label your internal feeling.  
2. If the word is “mad” or “angry”, calm down before you start talking.  Then find a calmer more vulnerable word for the feeling that remains, something like “sad” or “scared..” Words that label the vulnerable feeling that lies under anger optimize the likelihood you will be heard without defensiveness. Be sure to keep your tone of voice calm as well.  An angry voice invites an angry voice in return.
3. Launch what you say with “I feel….” “I felt…” or “I have been feeling….” And fill in the blank.
4. Explain the source of the feeling.  A good sentence-starter for this explanation is “My concern is ….”
5. If you need to specify your partner’s role in the feeling, start that sentence with “When you..” for instance, “When you came in so late last night from bowling I felt very scared.”  Continue then with “My concern was…” and you are on the road to mutual understanding.

The bottom line
The bottom line is that how you express feelings makes a huge difference in how receptively your feelings will be listened to.  At the same time, the person with whom you are sharing your feelings has a major role in whether the discussion will be positive or not.
Some people ignore or ignite in irritation when they hear expressions of feelings.  Fortunately though these people are the exception.
Mostly, if you follow the guidelines above on how to express feelings and avoid “You make me feel..,” sharing how you feel is likely to release negative energies from within you so you feel better, lead to improvements in situations that are giving you problems, and enhance the closeness with the people with whom you share what you feel.

source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201305/how-express-feelings-and-how-not