A Surprising Way to Figure Out What Someone Really Thinks

The Happiness Project

A chronicle of my attempts to test-drive every tip, principle and scientific study that promotes happiness

by Gretchen Rubin

Gretchen Rubin

Gretchen Rubin is the author of The Happiness Project, an account of the year she spent test-driving every conceivable principle about how to be happy, from Aristotle to Ben Franklin to Oprah to Martin Seligman. On her popular blog, The Happiness Project, she reports on her daily adventures on her way to becoming happier.

A Surprising Way to Figure Out What Someone Really Thinks

And I looked it up–so interesting!

Published on May 14, 2013 by Gretchen Rubin in The Happiness Project

Over the weekend, I was trying to remember something I’d read in Tyler Cowen’s book, Discover Your Inner Economist: Using Incentives to Fall in Love, Survive Your Next Meeting, and Motivate Your Dentist.
And I looked it up–so interesting!
Sometimes when we ask a question, we know that people might be reluctant to give a true opinion. Maybe they’re worried about angering someone else, or appearing unsophisticated, or admitting what they actually think or do.
Tyler Cowen made an observation that I think is absolutely fascinating, and one that provides a possible solution to this non-disclosure problem. He writes:

To get a person’s real opinion, ask what she thinks everyone else believes…If people truly hold a particular belief, they are more likely to think that others agree or have had similar experiences. For instance, if a man has had more than thirty sexual partners, he will more likely think that such behavior is common. After all, his life is one ‘data point,’ and that data point presumably weighs heavily in his mind…Furthermore the man with more than thirty partners probably knows a higher percentage of other people with thirty partners or more. This will further encourage him to make a high estimate of how many partners other people have had…
[People] tend to assume that other people have had life histories at least somewhat similar to their own. When we talk about other people, we are often talking about ourselves, whether we know it ourselves.

 So imagine that you’re considering sending your children to a particular school. Asking your friend, “What complaints do parents have about the school?” instead of asking, “How do you like the school?” might elicit a better answer.
Or maybe you’re considering going to a particular doctor. A person might not want personally to express criticism, but if you said, “How do most patients feel about that doctor’s office?” you might hear more.
This sounds surprising, but imagine how you would answer questions such as, “Do you think most people get along well with their in-laws?” “Do you think most people cheat on their taxes?” “Do you think most people love music?” “Do you think most people go to sleep after midnight?” Isn't your inclination to respond with an answer that’s true for you? And yet the answer doesn't feel like self-disclosure!

source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-happiness-project/201305/surprising-way-figure-out-what-someone-really-thinks